Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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