Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
If its not for food we ain't going out.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
