mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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