i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
