There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
