Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
sex in a hospital.. check
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
