I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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