I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
