Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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