Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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