girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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