Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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