She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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