wakey wakey hands off snakey
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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