She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
