her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
