I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Randomize
