Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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