I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My cat gives me a boner
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
