omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
