i jhust puked up my retainher.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
