I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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