My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Come back. Shots need mouths.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
