Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
