Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
