Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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