So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
