I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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