Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
