ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
