I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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