She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
