shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
