Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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