i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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