Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
