Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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