This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
