Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
