note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
