Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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