So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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