i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
