I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
