I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
There's even glitter on my cock...
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