my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
True strength comes from lack of pants
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
