Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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