Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
