And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I love you.
Bad choice
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
