If that was your dad, he is hot
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
