Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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