is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
