plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Even my vagina gasped.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
