The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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