Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I love having hate sex.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
